Maybe I'll take up knitting

I think I may be having a breakdown today. It's possibly the calmest breakdown I've ever had. Or that's been had by anyone in the history of breakdowns. I've just been calmly thinking to myself: Maybe I should just move away and do something else. Become a different person. I don't have any passions, anything I used to consider passion-like is but a distant memory, left behind as I've settled into my "comfortable" lifestyle of working 8 + hours a day, having only a semi-active uninspired social life, and basically going through the motions of some life framework set forth by god knows who (Mary Tyler Moore maybe?). Get a job, pay your rent, be responsible, don't rock the boat. Well, frankly....my boat needs to rocking. It reminds me of something my grandpa said on Thanksgivng (b/c it's pretty much the same quote) but after I woke him up from his nap I apologized for startling him and he replied, "I need startling". So eff my "rock the boat" comment...I need startling too. But the big question is...how? What do I do? I know I won't quit my job, I don't even know if I want to or if I'm just in one of my phases...my "I don't know if this is what I want to do" phase...right now it's working in conjunction w/ my "I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life" phase. And now to jump to something completely different...but the same. I met a guy I guess two weekends ago and we went out that Sunday. When I had met him on Friday, I was very into him, excited to have met someone, even if I was a little effed up and prob not thinking straight. When we met on Sunday, things had changed, I felt awkward, I started noticing little things like the fact that he had a bead of sweat on the left side of his face and he was shorter than I remembered and he rolled his pants up at the bottom in that hipster sort of way and suddenly, I wasn't interested. Me, who complains that I never meet anyone and worries that b/c I don't really like pets that when I die it will take days for anyone to find my body b/c my dog Rover or my cat Spike didn't go for help, wasn't interested. And when he called me after the holiday and left a message saying he wanted to get together again, I panicked, erased the message, and decided just not to call him back. I know, I'm an a**...but what should I do? Call and say "Thanks, but no thanks". Do I force myself to go out w/ him just b/c I know I'm crazy and he's a nice guy? But I don't want nice, I want someone I obsess over. I never seem to get those guys, funny how that works out. Okay, time for an abrupt end to my rant. Time to go back to the boat.

Oh, and I had a lovely Thanksgiving.
R.